My love for guests and company forced me to rush for the doorbell having me welcome fear, negativity, and guilt.
I greeted them as they made their way in and suddenly I slowly began to crush the temples that happiness once built.
God always whispered in my ear telling me that I am a flower meant to blossom yet all I could be at that moment is the wilt.
Not sure how I was going to manage but I wanted to lose myself for once, just for a short while, I wanted my conscience to tilt.
After all the hours of hearing the views of these opinionated visitors I collapsed and I went into one deep sleep.
The image was far but I saw someone who looked like me from a distance and I wanted to scream but all I did was weep.
It was scary for this other me was in a very strange place, she was put in an unfamiliar setting, a grave that was dug so deep.
I finally touched her hand and saw her face, I realized that this is me, the self that decided her dignity and humanity she will keep.
She was the evolved version of who I was, all dressed in self-love, possessing self-worth that beamed whenever she insinuated a smile.
It was clear that she had gone through trials and tribulations of all kinds, she had walked through her share of the miserable and inevitable mile,
She still wore make-up, told me that she appreciates the art hidden in it, in some way that she did not even notice it enhanced her style,
She was the epitome of what I would normally refer to as ‘beauty’ and so I sat there and I admired her for quite a long while.
I love how she knew of her thoughts but what I loved even more so is the fact that she knew that her thoughts do not define her,
She was the kind of brave spirit that I wish I were,
She was the kind of content soul that I wish I were,
And suddenly of all the friendships and relationships I have ever had, this was the only one I actually rather much would prefer.
In the spare of the moment I decided this is who I was now going to be, this is the individual I always imagined and would now live like,
I knew that some people would love the new me and the others not so very much but for all that I cared the whole squad could take a hike,
Even though I was not sure of when it was going to happen and at what rate, one thing I was sure of is that my happiness was about to strike,
For I eventually accepted that I am of the great King himself, God’s very own daughter and therefore had to attempt by all means to act godlike.
It is not going to be easy and that part I very much acknowledge and will make sure that it does not, on any given day, slip my mind,
I went back to my apartment to find my guests-negativity, guilt and fear-still around, I packed my things and closed the door leaving them behind,
I looked above to thank God for having saved my eyes for it is only now that it became apparent that I once was without a vision, I once was blind,
People called me all sorts of names and with that I was fine, my contentment and growth permitted me to see that “Evolved self” is the best title I could find.
~Philisiwe Phomello Delisile Shinga