Evolved Self

My love for guests and company forced me to rush for the doorbell having me welcome fear, negativity, and guilt.
I greeted them as they made their way in and suddenly I slowly began to crush the temples that happiness once built.
God always whispered in my ear telling me that I am a flower meant to blossom yet all I could be at that moment is the wilt.
Not sure how I was going to manage but I wanted to lose myself for once, just for a short while, I wanted my conscience to tilt.

After all the hours of hearing the views of these opinionated visitors I collapsed and I went into one deep sleep.
The image was far but I saw someone who looked like me from a distance and I wanted to scream but all I did was weep.
It was scary for this other me was in a very strange place, she was put in an unfamiliar setting, a grave that was dug so deep.
I finally touched her hand and saw her face, I realized that this is me, the self that decided her dignity and humanity she will keep.

She was the evolved version of who I was, all dressed in self-love, possessing self-worth that beamed whenever she insinuated a smile.
It was clear that she had gone through trials and tribulations of all kinds, she had walked through her share of the miserable and inevitable mile,
She still wore make-up, told me that she appreciates the art hidden in it, in some way that she did not even notice it enhanced her style,
She was the epitome of what I would normally refer to as ‘beauty’ and so I sat there and I admired her for quite a long while.

I love how she knew of her thoughts but what I loved even more so is the fact that she knew that her thoughts do not define her,
She was the kind of brave spirit that I wish I were,
She was the kind of content soul that I wish I were,
And suddenly of all the friendships and relationships I have ever had, this was the only one I actually rather much would prefer.

In the spare of the moment I decided this is who I was now going to be, this is the individual I always imagined and would now live like,
I knew that some people would love the new me and the others not so very much but for all that I cared the whole squad could take a hike,
Even though I was not sure of when it was going to happen and at what rate, one thing I was sure of is that my happiness was about to strike,
For I eventually accepted that I am of the great King himself, God’s very own daughter and therefore had to attempt by all means to act godlike.

It is not going to be easy and that part I very much acknowledge and will make sure that it does not, on any given day, slip my mind,
I went back to my apartment to find my guests-negativity, guilt and fear-still around, I packed my things and closed the door leaving them behind,
I looked above to thank God for having saved my eyes for it is only now that it became apparent that I once was without a vision, I once was blind,
People called me all sorts of names and with that I was fine, my contentment and growth permitted me to see that “Evolved self” is the best title I could find.

~Philisiwe Phomello Delisile Shinga

 

Keep Me Sane

To you creator of both the Heaven and Earth,
To you Heavenly and Earthly Father of my life,
To you who knows all about me and my worth,
You who is aware of the end of my toil and strife,
I pray that you hear me when I say, “Keep me Sane”.

When enemies get on a mission to watch me fall,
When the devil works hard to see his plans flourish,
When those around me make me win little and lose all,
When no truth and righteousness is left in me to nourish,
I just ask that you grant me my wish, and keep me sane.

During the unbearable times of heartache and constant turmoil,
In between the minutes and hours of attempting to at least survive,
When I scream my lungs out and force my entire body’s blood to boil,
Bring me back to reality, make me whole again and keep me very alive,
Oh dear Father, Just do keep me sane.

I acknowledge that I am a strong woman filled with dreams and so much purpose,
Yes, beauty’s own wife. She who is moulded by inner and outer joy and charm,
The world’s light and Earth’s salt, always willing to offer to others any service,
Ensuring that everyone’s future is one which will keep them quite happy and warm,
I am whispering this prayer, so please give me sanity.

In a country which is going through so much conflict and extreme changes,
A time in which we are losing our own morals and in the process good leaders,
We’re walking in these streets which are filled with such a great number of strangers,
In a day and age where poverty and diseases have been permitted to be our lives’ dictators,
Just ensure that we do not lose our common sense, ensure that we don’t lose our sanity.

It is a given fact that trust can no longer be handed over to any random soul,
Our own male figures who are supposed to protect us hurt us the most,
Lying to our faces saying they love us but at the same time have needs to meet,
Our female figures who say they care about us but do all kinds of questionable deeds,
Go to the various extremes of abnormalities for the sake of money and fame,
Thinking about these issues makes me lose my mind, but Lord I ask that you keep me sane even at this confusing and difficult time.

I am still young and do not have all the answers to life’s questions just as yet,
But I pray that you help me grow, providing me with wisdom to make it all right,
Let me stand as though I were made of stone even when my feathers are wet,
Regardless of the obstacles, help me be the fortune of this mighty and royal fight.

When my mental health tries to trick me,
When I feel like I am losing a balance of mind,
When it seems too hard to reach stability,
And I can tell that I am slowly losing my lucidity,
Do me a righteous favour, make me normal and let my sanity prevail.

Written by Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

A Part Of Me Nearly Died

I was not given an option but I too found myself stuck with the absence of a father in my life,
After years of practise and numerous complaints to God I eventually got used to the idea,
without any understanding I spent days longing and wishing that my mother were his wife,
but after years of not seeing this happen I gave up on the thought and knew it can never be so.

I am not too sure if I was really content with my being without his presence being availed to me,
Only I know that I went around the world searching for this father’s love that I cannot claim to know,
There was then a point where I could feel and knew very well that the walls and ceilings could see,
When every boy came to ask me out because they could see that I was missing a valuable element.

I said “yes”.
Yes, I remember saying “yes” to a whole lot of them and only because I yearned for the feeling,
The feeling of being touched by a hand,
A hand that cares.
A hand that values.
A hand that is there.

It was the most unpleasant scene to witness at that time , for those who watched me move from one man to another,
In a period of just 12 months I had encountered all natures of abuse-the physical, the sexual, the emotional and domestic abuse,
I put myself through all of this even with the knowledge that there is no other devotional love like that of my mother,
So because there was not a valid excuse for why I was playing this painful game, I eventually lost my concentration and was bound to lose.

One day I stopped in the middle of the road and felt the tears rolling down my face,
I realised that this pain might be healing the wound but it will never cure the disgrace,
For all I knew this “father” was not even aware that I am stumbling in this windy place,
I decided then that I will live without him, I will do this because this was declared my race.

For the most part of it, I was angry with him and my heart was filled with bitterness as a result,
I wondered how other men could possibly love me if I cannot be loved by this one male adult,
After experiencing all the feelings, the pain and the tears I then immediately became untouched,
It was nothing I sat down and carefully planned but my womb signalled an accumulation of distrust.

I listened attentively to what these young men had to say but I believed none of their theories,
Deep down I wanted to share my views but I assumed that no one would comprehend my cries,
Therefore I continued to live my life this way and was eventually announced a book of mysteries,
Like my father left me with unanswered questions, I left many people with a number of queries.

The day it was reported that he no longer is, I felt a knife cut through my healthy and broad chest,
I threw the phone on the floor , heard someone scream, it was me,crying because I felt suppressed,
I wanted to run and never look back again, my mind,my body and my soul were in so much unrest,
twenty four hours went by and I woke up a second later hoping that this is not what I have to digest.

No one can describe the pain that I was going through, not even the next person who has faced this,
It is a personal pain, like one’s first kiss. No one can hold their hand and steal your own first kiss,
In the early hours of the day while on my bed it was like watching a large empire of a hell-like bliss,
Sometimes I could not hear myself breathe for I felt I was shoved and suffocating in this dark abyss.

I nearly lost a piece of my soul,
I practically lost a structure of my brain,
That man virtually left with a part of my being.

I wished he had stayed two minutes longer just until I let him know that I have forgiven him,
I wanted him to know that our father-daughter relationship’s light does not have to be so dim,
His departing on Earth made me reach an epiphany that I will stop looking at other men for him,
I have watched horrors of all kinds but this one has to be the considered the worst horror film.

~Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

I,too,am a citizen of this country

During my Geography lessons I spent most of my time pointing at the province whenever I received the opportunity of holding a map.The well known “Western Cape” is a place where I sat foot for my festival holidays at the end of the year-2016.

Two weeks before we took off for the long drive, I had already started packing. Making a list of all the things I should not forget when we get closer and closer to the boarding date. I should admit that I was excited and thrilled to be going far away from home,to get rest after all the year’s hard work and bumpy rides of my journey which I had no choice but to endure.

Underwear…tick,
Toiletry bag…tick,
3 swimming suits…tick,
3 pairs of sandals…tick,
2 pairs of tekkies…tick,
my pink heart morning shoes…tick,
14 different attires…tick,
3 shorts…tick,
my flip flops…tick,
my accessories and make up kit…all done…tick.

My list was now sorted and everything was ready to go into the huge travel bag. The anticipation prevented me from eating,drinking or even staying in one sitting. Anyone who knew me saw that I was absolutely ready to go.

The time was 18h00 when my parents arrived back from work and asked me to lock the house and had us saying a short prayer to ask for travelling mercies from the Lord.My heart was filled with gratitude, indescribable gratitude for everything I had to experience throughout the year. This is what was going through my mind as I sat on the backseat of the car and contentedly starred out the window to watch the sun set and the various colourful birds make their way to their nests for another short night.

After two days of being on the hot,lengthy road we finally reached our long awaited destination and I remember watching everyone running to their bedrooms and closing their strained eyes without even saying “goodnight”. The next day when everyone felt that they had gathered enough rest, we wore our swim suits, put on a lot of sunscreen and took our cold drinks to the beach.

“Wait,wait,wait.”, I said to my parents. For I only saw a number of white people and not even one black person.  In my mind I revisited the history of the Western Cape. If I am correct this is where the Europeans first settled and brought slaves to serve them. I wondered; could black people have ran away from that time? Without asking any further questions I jumped into the ocean and enjoyed the clean,salty waves.

Now I was okay with being surrounded by the white race, however I was not okay with the treatment I received from it. Where I come from we understand the danger of being racist and yet where I was at that moment it seemed as though no one was educated by this epidemic known as racism.My father was a survivor of the apartheid era and I never believed any of the stories he shared with me until I was prohibited from going to the toilet,ordering a take away and being served first because of my skin colour. I was shocked to say the least for I have never had to suffer as a result of something I have no control over.

Before I could consider myself as a victim of this deed I first wanted to understand what racism really is. According to the Google dictionary “racism” is “the prejudice,discrimination or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s race is superior”.Now that I was aware of the existing immoral and unethical behaviour of some people within this province I was ready to report it. As I looked for the number to call on the internet I came across an article titled “Cape Town Restaurant called patrons ‘2 blacks’ in a stunning instance of racism being alive and well”.The article was published during my stay in the Western Cape on the 20th of December 2016.

After everything the previous generation had to encounter because of its skin colour, after all those tears,that blood and death here we are still sitting with such a problem and I fail to understand why.I do not have long hair, I do not have blue eyes, through the eyes of many the colour of my skin differs from those of others but that does not make me less of a citizen. At birth I was granted the same rights and responsibilities which were given by the child who was laying next to me.

Giving us poor treatment (for something we were not given the chance to choose,for something we had to accept because that is what the creator saw to be fit) is but quite unfair and truly unjust. Now I am not sure if what I am going to ask for is going to be too much but I need each and every citizen of this country to understand this much: Some of us have two legs and two hands, both eyes and both ears, a mouth and a logical brain which is not failing to function and some of us not but we are capable of doing many things. Perhaps even more than some of you can achieve.

It is therefore only fair that everyone understands that we are legal members of this country, have to enjoy the rights and privileges of this country,are aware of the laws we have to obey and this alone makes us complete citizens of South Africa.

Writer: Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

Living Nature

It is 6 o’clock in the morning when I decide to wake up, I go to the kitchen,pour water and take my daily grace cup, I kneel and look up to the creator to say my morning prayer, I do this to thank …

Source: Living Nature

Living Nature

It is 6 o’clock in the morning when I decide to wake up,
I go to the kitchen,pour water and take my daily grace cup,
I kneel and look up to the creator to say my morning prayer,
I do this to thank him for his everlasting love, his mercy and his care.

When I open the curtains, the rising sun out the window meets me,
I smile for I realize that the creator has heard my prayer and can see,
Just for a few minutes each day I sit on the bed and look outside,
I observe the trees and the grass while they greet me and confide.

A second later I see two birds fly  and chip a harmonic melody,
Which never fails to put me in a state of bliss and complete ecstasy,
I dance to their tune regardless of my inability to keep to their rhythm,
for I know that nature will never bother about giving negative criticism.

As I make my way to the beach, I accept all positivity within my being,
I recall that life happens but I cannot start to lose hope in dreaming,
Out on the white sand I look at the waves while they breathe life into my soul,
This soul of mine is the very soul which once slipped so vaguely from my control.

I watched these waves roar words of prosperity into my sensitive ears.
Ears which were once racked by human deeds and hearing their fears,
Love is what I had for these waves for they brought out the child in everyone,
Adults and children alike found a way of jumping into the water and have fun.

I cannot help but give gratitude to the creator for giving us this living nature,
For being the marvelous maker of every existing and happy creature,
I thank him for the voices instilled in grass, trees, birds and the waves.

Thank you for the ‘swishy swashy’,
thank you for the ‘chirping’,
thank you for the ‘swoosh’.
~Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

 

Say it is My Last Day

Imagine yourself sitting at your desk looking out the window,
when suddenly you hear the high and strong wind blow,
then in a second the phone you placed on your bed rings,
you realize it does this because of the sad news it brings.

You pick it up and press the green button and “hello” is what you say,
you begin to cry when the lady on the other end mentions that “unfortunately,Philisiwe has been taken from us away”,
you then wipe your tears and recall everything I once told you,
you sit for a minute and figure out how you will do as I bid you do.

You do that and eventually the day of the funeral arrives…

From the casket I can see the beautifully designed program,
My mother will get the chance to speak,
I know she will mention that I was as gentle as a lamb,
A friend from University will say something as well,
she will say I treated everyone like an egg in a shell.

she will talk about how I impacted lives in a positive light,
how much I pushed people to move to their next height,
How I earnestly wanted nothing more but success for others,
regardless of their backgrounds and our different cultures

I know about the others but I wonder what my colleague from work will say,
maybe that I always encouraged them to take the opportunity while they may,
because life is an unpredictable game and one cannot leave with today’s regrets,
one cannot exit life’s door with the knowledge that they have to pay certain debts.

Lastly a member from my community will say something at the end of the service,
maybe it will be one of the church ladies who will say I was a woman  with a purpose,
or maybe it will be one of models I competed against during my pageant contests,
who will say I always dressed up with the intention of walking on stage to impress.

Now I will pause…

This is what I want my funeral to be like at the end of my destination.
I want to set a strong and steady foundation for the next generation,
I want to be a life-changer to many people out there on a regular basis,
Especially because this world we live in seems to be filled with cold places.

I know that I cannot solve everyone’s problems, that is quite impossible,
but I cannot let my dreams fall apart because I can overcome any obstacle,
I can be the creator of the change I would like to see in the current century,
I truly believe and I know I have the ability of being more than just a memory.

~Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

 

Womenhood

It is is true that nature is introduced to us without a single forewarning,
it confidently walks into our houses while we are looking tired and pale,
yet be this as it is we have no choice but to wake up the next morning,
for we realize that this life we live is not a dream nor is it a tale.

So much is expected of us as women of this day and very modern age,
The world has already painted a picture of what it wants to see from us,
Although we live up to these expectations we receive no form form of wage,
And all of a sudden being a woman comes with living with an oozing puss.

We accept this for we know that this is the stage of womanhood,
we are aware that it requires us to bring out the best in others,
for to us it is an obligation to go out and do exceedingly good,
and not just to our brothers but people of other existing cultures.

Life happens to us as well but we need to have emotional stability,
we cannot afford to rage and sob at any given place or at any time,
due to the idea that we are not allowed to unmask our famous fragility,
more especially because the creator refers to us as a type of robust dime.

We are able to meet someone and accept their faults without judging,
because we clearly understand the saying that “no one is perfect”,
we take the fall for all the unappreciated crushing,loving and trusting,
with the expectation that the world will find our kind nature to be correct.

Oh…
being a woman is not an easy task this you should very much so note,
yet we embrace the gift of womanhood as if we had asked for it,
we wear our crown and protect ourselves from the rain with our raincoat,
so no one can say to us the next day that we ran our race without a bit.

~Philisiwe Phomello Shinga

Approval Of Myself

I sit and imagine it,
I portray and calculate it,
I fast-forward to it and try to protect it,
and this I have promised to my being commit.

I attract and accept all these good surprises,
in all variations of existing shapes and sizes,
at any time and any place and in  all styles,
I do all of this as I walk these joyful miles.

Rumour has it that my god-given laugh is unusually loud,
that my tears sound like they’ve dropped from a black cloud,
that my very body speaks of how my inner being is proud,
that my high-pitched voice easily draws the attention of a crowd.

Sometimes I confidently walk outside and tend to ignore,
that someone mentioned something about my laugh before,
for I realise that this laugh is the only thing that can my peace restore,
so I execute it anyway because I know that I am deserving of so much more.

I am aware that it is not pleasing to and  perfect in the eyes of many,
But  truth is I have to make these moments last for there exist not plenty.
And I have to make sure my foes do not get the idea that they rose against me,
So they can come back to me and honestly admit that they were never ready.

Now to you dear “Light” and “Happiness”,
to you everlasting “Peace” and “Contentedness”,
to you gracious “Joy” and “Blessedness”,
Knock on my door.

Enter my welcoming house and remain for as long as you want,
so I can travel around the world just to share  your goodness and so I can  of it flaunt.

~Philisiwe Phomello Delisile

 

 

Death, no shame

We were out and about when we decided to find a spot and sit down,
it was a strange place but we cared not about the idea that we were in  town.
We were sure of one thing and that was to make that moment count,
Because this time shameless Death you were to us of great account.

During our conversation about you tears were shed and hearts bled,
emotions were reveled so hatred and foul language  was spread.
Trust me when I say no one was apologetic about their deeds during that time,
actually if anything, everyone felt that they were a special and brave dime.

Then after an hour we paused and wondered…

Perhaps it is the choices we make in living our lives,
or the bear reality which unexpectedly arrives.
Perhaps it is the decision we make in opening our eyes,
or maybe it is the size of an unfortunate high prize.
Whatever the explanation is, it certainly cannot be fun,
for in a split of a second you realize that a lot is not done.

One day the person fills our lives with joy and greatness,
next morning we wake up to hear of their “unfortunate lateness”.
And the truth is, it does hurt.
For we acknowledge that the person was of this Earth just an asset,
which has suddenly become inert.

Death you have no shame.

“It will pass” they keep on saying,
but every second as you continue praying,
you notice that you cannot stop your heart from aching,
and all you need is a bit of saving,
at least until it stops raining.

Be this as it is,
during one morning you face the fact that in all honesty,
life does have to move on,
because regardless of how painful it is,
you have to acknowledge that the person was by God drawn and will forever be gone.

~Philisiwe Phomello Shinga